you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
