I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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