Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful