I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
