listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Let the clothes fall where they may.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
