I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
