Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
