K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize