smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
