Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
