Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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