worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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