So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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