Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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