two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
