Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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