i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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