my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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