don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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