And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
not ubering you a puppy
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
