My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude i'm inner monologue high
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
