So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
