I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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