She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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