Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
