Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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