She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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