How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
