At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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