I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
