Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
