So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
