Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
