I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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