Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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