as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
