thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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