Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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