sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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