is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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