Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
