im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
