I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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