How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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