i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
