Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
