Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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