anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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