okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
