Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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