I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
