my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
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