I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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