I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Quick, to the slutcave!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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