and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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