god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
