if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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