Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
